Christmas time is my busy season. There is an excess of
wickedness about and nobody seems willing to put an end to it. Everywhere I
turn, there are overweight men dressed in red suits begging for handouts with
their bells and buckets… it sickens me. The worst part is the ignorant masses
that buy into these false charities.
I’ve made it one of my many missions to destroy each and
every one of these so called “Saint Nicks” by any means necessary. At least
they don’t put up much of a fight as I charge towards them and unleash my
Shirtless Shriek on their fat asses. It warms my soul to see the crimson red
pour from their ears to stain their white beards and already red suits.
Sometimes it the little things that give you the strength to carry forward.
The other day I was patrolling near the mall when I saw a
gang of Mall Santa’s narrowing in on a helpless old lady carrying several bags
of goods to her car. Sensing that they were up to no good, I sprung into action
punching the lead Santa in the face, knocking him to the ground. His lieutenants
stood momentarily dumbfounded at the speed of my lightning attack. Out of the
corner of my magnificent eye I saw a gloved fist flying towards me, I ducked
from the attack and threw a punch of my own into the gut of my would be
attacker. A fourth Santa who smelled excessively of rum lunged towards me in a
drunken stupor. It didn’t take much effort to dispatch him.
As I fought against the henchmen I failed to notice the ring
leader pull a knife from his boot and approach me from behind. He stabbed me in
my leg which began to bleed protein powder and water and quickly froze over. I
snapped his neck, effectively demoralizing all of the red-dressed evil doers.
Two of them fled, while the rum soaked Clause attempted to remain. His
drunkenness was his downfall as I quickly put an end to him with a Shirtless
Shriek.
The old lady was cowering in fear behind a parked car, as I
approached to inform her that the danger had passed she began to weep. She
trembled in admiration of my selfless defense of the wicked. After a few
moments she stood up and began screaming for the police to let them know of my
wonderful deeds this day. As I am not one to brag, I quickly disappeared from
the scene to further my campaign against the Solstice of Evil.
I dread these next few days when all sorts of blasphemous
merriment arise and I must tackle the New Years of Hell.
