Prelude to a New Year

I do not know what the New Year will bring. The previous year was filled with unspeakable evil and I hold no high expectations for the next. I am however; ready to take on the journey with the same determination as always. I have a feeling that tonight’s going to be a rough night. But as usual, this is the time of year I need to double my efforts to fight back the forces of evil that will be let loose. I fear that the lengths I will need to go to stop the drunken debauchery that unfolds are still unknown.

After a quick stop in Fort Lauderdale Florida where I picked up some extra money, I’m able to restock on protein powder and bottled water. Cool Guy’s truck is filled to the brim with all of my supplies and I am ready to go. I’ve summoned the strength to move mountains and the resolve to vanquish any who would be so foolish as to stand in my way.

Come this evening, evil will have nowhere to hide…

The Most Wicked Time of the Year

Christmas time is my busy season. There is an excess of wickedness about and nobody seems willing to put an end to it. Everywhere I turn, there are overweight men dressed in red suits begging for handouts with their bells and buckets… it sickens me. The worst part is the ignorant masses that buy into these false charities.

I’ve made it one of my many missions to destroy each and every one of these so called “Saint Nicks” by any means necessary. At least they don’t put up much of a fight as I charge towards them and unleash my Shirtless Shriek on their fat asses. It warms my soul to see the crimson red pour from their ears to stain their white beards and already red suits. Sometimes it the little things that give you the strength to carry forward.

The other day I was patrolling near the mall when I saw a gang of Mall Santa’s narrowing in on a helpless old lady carrying several bags of goods to her car. Sensing that they were up to no good, I sprung into action punching the lead Santa in the face, knocking him to the ground. His lieutenants stood momentarily dumbfounded at the speed of my lightning attack. Out of the corner of my magnificent eye I saw a gloved fist flying towards me, I ducked from the attack and threw a punch of my own into the gut of my would be attacker. A fourth Santa who smelled excessively of rum lunged towards me in a drunken stupor. It didn’t take much effort to dispatch him.

As I fought against the henchmen I failed to notice the ring leader pull a knife from his boot and approach me from behind. He stabbed me in my leg which began to bleed protein powder and water and quickly froze over. I snapped his neck, effectively demoralizing all of the red-dressed evil doers. Two of them fled, while the rum soaked Clause attempted to remain. His drunkenness was his downfall as I quickly put an end to him with a Shirtless Shriek.

The old lady was cowering in fear behind a parked car, as I approached to inform her that the danger had passed she began to weep. She trembled in admiration of my selfless defense of the wicked. After a few moments she stood up and began screaming for the police to let them know of my wonderful deeds this day. As I am not one to brag, I quickly disappeared from the scene to further my campaign against the Solstice of Evil.

I dread these next few days when all sorts of blasphemous merriment arise and I must tackle the New Years of Hell.

The Death of a Hero

It depresses my soul to admit the fact that I was defeated. I cowered away like so many of my enemies had done in the past and I stand humiliated. Tales of my defeat ring out from the Shirtless Halls of Righteousness to the Great Shirtless Beyond. This failure will haunt me till the end of time and my punishment is to right what has been wronged.

This foe of mine cannot be conquered alone I fear. If I am to defeat this great monstrosity of evil I will need to abandon my pride and request assistance from an unlikely source.

I have to call my friend Cool Guy.

The Shirtless Mobile was still in the shop on the evening we agreed to go on patrol together. Cool Guy pulled up to the house about seven or eight in his pickup truck and we went to work filling the bed with as much protein powder and containers of water as we could. The F-150 was overflowing with powder and I thought to myself this should last me through the night.

We embarked on our journey that evening. I was overjoyed to find that Cool Guy had a working heater in his truck. I would not need to worry about losing any strength prior to our encounter with the evil one.

It was not long before we drove past Brad. He was loitering with a group of miscreants in front of a fast food establishment. I knew Brad and his henchmen were up to no good, but I was on a mission so I decided to leave him be this one time. We drove past several violent muggings, a four alarm fire, and a cat stuck in a tree before we finally found our target. I ushered Cool Guy to park his truck quickly so we could begin our battle. Cool Guy insisted we drive a little further because we were in a no parking zone. I didn’t have time to point out the evils of setting up a no parking zone after 9 pm so I leaped out of the vehicle while Cool Guy found better parking.

The cold night air hit my shirtless chest like a sledgehammer as I approached my enemy ready for the battle to begin.

“Die heathen!” I exclaimed as I gave the first blow. My enemy flew back and crashed into a dumpster but quickly rose seemingly unscathed.

“You know if you wait until the final moment before tightening your fist it makes for a stronger punch.” He began his attacks. “If you want I can bring you a book on proper fighting styles.”

I had already collapsed to the ground from the onslaught when Cool Guy came jogging around the corner and helped me back to my feet. “Oh, I know who this guy is” Cool Guy said in a nonchalant tone.

“You know my greatest enemy?!”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t call him an enemy really as much as he’s just kind of annoying. I hear they call him a douche bag back where he comes from, so some of the heroes here have taken to calling him Douche Man.”

The pieces are starting to fall into place.

“Well… how do we defeat him then Cool Guy?”

“You know, I never really cared one way or the other about defeating him. He never really bothered me much anyway.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Cool Guy was going soft on me.

Without another word I launched another volley of attacks at Douche Man which had little effect on him. To my surprise, Cool Guy just kind of hung out talking to him without reacting to his idiosyncrasies. I think that had the biggest effect on Douche Man than anything I was doing.

It became apparent that Douche Man couldn’t handle the fact of someone not falling to pieces because of his annoyances. Cool Guy remained calm throughout the ordeal and continued to hang out, listening to Douche Man’s mind numbing drivel. The only time he reacted was when he nodded his head and agreed with whatever was being said. Douche Man fell to the ground and I took this as my moment of opportunity to end the confrontation. I gathered the every last ounce of strength I had and prepared the Shirtless Shriek.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEAAHHHHH!” I cried, “BAAAAAAAGGHHHH!”

I continued my onslaught until I saw in Douche Man’s face the same sense of defeat he’d caused me in our last encounter. His ears were bleeding as I saw my foe retreat into the darkness from whence he came.

But I soon realized my victory came at a heavy price. For lying on the ground I saw my comrade Cool Guy. His body lay lifeless in the parking lot, I rushed to his side to see if he was still breathing… NO!

I let out an anguished roar as I discovered that my friend had passed on. All of the windows in the area shattered and a few pedestrian’s heads blew up. I carried my fallen comrade’s body back to his vehicle and placed him gently in the passenger seat. Before getting in the truck, I refueled on protein powder and water. Several thoughts raced through my mind as I sat in the driver seat staring at Cool Guy’s lifeless body.

How am I going to explain this to his girlfriend? Is it too early to ask her out? Does he blame me for his death? Would he mind if I kept his truck?

I turned the heater up full blast as I drove into the night mourning a fallen hero.

The Enemy of My Enemy is Not My Friend

I was out on patrol last night when suddenly, for reasons unknown, I lost control of the Shirtless Mobile and collided with a parked car. Sensing that the owner was filled with evil I felt as though justice was served and sped away. Unfortunately I didn’t get far, for I had destroyed my radiator and my vehicle sputtered to a halt.

The weather was beginning to rapidly change and I knew that my shirtless powers would begin to wane the longer I was exposed to the cooling environment. This meant that I needed to finish my patrols with greater haste to remain efficient. As I ran down the street, I couldn’t help but feel this sense of urgency growing in the back of my mind. Was it my shirtless powers warning me that I was growing weaker? Feeling that this was the cause, I replenished myself on protein and water to strengthen my resolve and carried on. But the feeling continued to linger in the back of my mind.

As the night carried on I became aware of the danger my mind was trying to warn me of. Brad, my arch nemesis was attempting to rob a local Bank of America ATM by using a stolen card. I noticed the name on the card was Brad F. Hemmingway, a clear cut case of identity theft and grand larceny. As I attempted to spring into action and take this criminal mastermind down for good, my knees began to fail me. My powers began to weaken from the exposure to the elements. Before I could pull some reserve protein powder from my belt another figure approached the villainess swine. At first I believed it was an accomplice, but the way Brad reacted towards this mysterious figure showed me that they were not cohorts. Brad became noticeably aggravated; his eyes began to turn red as he raised his clinched fists in a silent rage.

The unknown figure didn’t appear dissuaded by Brad’s threatening motions however, and continued his assault. The figure just kept smiling and speaking in a deafening tone towards Brad. Moving closer and staring at him with a glazed look in his eyes. Brad’s attempts to stop the unwanted advancements were in vain. As Brad soon discovered, this was not a battle he could win. He quickly swiped the money along with his stolen ATM card before fleeing the scene.

Feeling as though I had found a kindred champion of justice, I moved in to introduce myself to the mysterious ally. I began to inquire as to why he had allowed the criminal to escape when he was clearly winning. It was not long before I realized this was no ally. With no warning, he had turned his attacks towards me. His heinous attacks consisted of, asking me questions with no intelligent thought that had no logical explanation. “Excuse me but, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” “It’s really cold out tonight; don’t you think it would be best that you put multiple layers of clothing on?”

It was almost too much for me to handle.

In my weakened condition I could not last long against his barrage of deadly annoyance. To shut him up, I attempted to use my shirtless shriek to disable the fiend. To my horror it appeared that either he was immune to my attacks or I was too weak to have any effect. As his mind numbingly asinine questions continued to wear on my last nerve, I had a choice to make. Would I stay and fight a battle I could possibly lose? Or would I retreat in order to fight another day? It was with great dread that I made my decision. If I were to continue my quest to stamp out evil, I needed to regain my strength. It is with no pride that I admit my first failure against the forces of evil. This was an evil I was not familiar with, an evil I was not prepared for.

Be warned however foul villain of mystery. The next time we meet, I will have my vengeance upon you.

…to be continued

The Night of the Black Cat

By: Yomin Kitkat
Edited by: Daryl Ryssman 

When our hero awoke this morning, there was little indication of the dangers that would face him that evening. Our hero understood that Halloween was the worst night of the year for evil to be about… that and Christmas. But on this particular night, a foul air was rising that would put Shirtless to the ultimate test. For this he would have to rely on all of his skills, a heap of luck, and above all else his will to survive. This year, Shirtless was asked to take his sister trick or treating.

The night started out as calm as could be expected as Shirtless picked up his little sister Denise just before sunset. He explained to her that she would see unspeakable evils and it would be up to him to stop them. Denise didn’t pay much heed to his warnings and simply rolled her eyes. “Mom says you have to listen to me” said our hero in a last ditch effort to command his ten year old sister’s obedience. “Whatever!” She replied as she stormed out of the house.

Denise was dressed as a black cat this year, while our hero wore as he always does his cape, denim jeans, and a utility belt that holds his water and protein powder. Straight away Shirtless spotted trouble. A group of hooligans were preparing to vandalize a defenseless tree with toilet paper and murder unborn chickens by throwing them against their neighbor’s front door.

Without missing a beat, Shirtless sprang into action. He quickly dispatched the would be assassins, tying them up in their own wrappings and confiscating the poor scared chickens that had been removed from their mothers. Denise watched for a few seconds before tiring of her overbearing brother’s sense of self importance. She then continued down the street, collecting treats from house to house enjoying the compliments that some elderly ladies gave her on her fine costume. “Thank you” she said “my mom helped me make it.”

Our hero having finished with the “Fiends of Main Street,” noticed that his sister was not where he’d left her. Angered at the possibility that some unspeakable evil had abducted poor Denise, Shirtless began leveling the neighborhood in an effort to find her. Fortunately for Denise, she had run into a group of her friends and one of the mothers didn’t think it was safe for her to be trick or treating by herself. Caroline called Denise’s mom to make sure it was okay for her to continue to chaperone since Shirtless was unavailable. The group then continued on towards another neighborhood.

By the end of the evening, Shirtless had destroyed seventeen houses, beaten up eight kids, kicked four cats, overturned three cars, and saved a dozen chicken eggs. Beginning to think he’d have to admit defeat, Shirtless returned to his mother’s house to regain his composure. As he approached home, he heard a sigh as Denise had noticed her brother and began to walk inside. “Mom, the dufus is finally back.” The rest of the night our hero was lectured about the responsibility he had neglected by leaving his little sister alone.

Episode 2: Brad reveals himself

I suppose that in this situation, if Shirtless is the hero, then that makes me the villain. It’s not because I’m evil. I’m actually a pretty nice guy most of the time. The real reason I’m the villain is because I am the exact polar opposite of Shirtless. As a hero, he is the physical embodiment of goodness and morality. There is no waning from his cause. Shirtless has set himself on the path to save the world from itself. He will do whatever it takes to protect the moral people who aren’t as moral as he is. Fortunately for me I have no morals.

In thermodynamics, the opposite of hot is not cold. Instead cold is a way of describing the absence of heat. If you touch frozen nitrogen you will get burned. There are objects in space that fuse together by touching in the cold vacuum. This process is called cold welding. What I’m trying to say is, evil is not the opposite of good. Amorality is the opposite of morality. Shirtless and I are on different ends of the same spectrum. And if he is on the positive end of that spectrum then I am on the negative end. We are two sides of the same coin.

What sets us apart you may ask? I see the truth. I know the real difference between right and wrong. My vision is not clouded by an overbearing sense of purpose and duty. There is no right and there is no wrong. We are all parts of an unending cycle of birth, maturation, war, chaos and eventually death. For the cycle to be complete you need both ends to meet. While it is Shirtless’ duty to save the world and end the cycle, it is my responsibility to ensure that the cycle continues.

My name is Brad Elliot Hemmingway and I am… the arch nemesis.

I don’t have a master plan. I don’t rob banks, set fires or launch asteroids on a collision course with Earth. Mostly because that last part is impossible. I don’t have powers and I don’t have a secret lair. To be perfectly honest, I live in a cheap apartment within walking distance to campus. Oh, and if anyone asks, it’s an inhaler not a death ray or toxic gas.

The simple truth is that while my great foe spends all of his time trying to right all of these wrongs, I have all the time in the world to just sit around and play video games. Honestly I only do this like an hour or two a day three days a week. The rest of the time I’m either in class or playing Xbox live.

Do I hate the guy? Of course! The guy is a pretentious ass with a God complex and a fucked up sense of justice. I wouldn’t do half of the things this guy does all in the name of making the world a better place. I’m not that messed up. Besides, he’s a horrible driver. I mean really bad. He was stopped at a red light and he hit a light pole once

So yeah, I’ve made it my mission to either continue the cycle of death and rebirth or knock his stupid teeth out. I figure either way I accomplish my lifelong goal and have fun while doing it.

A Hero Revealed

You have no idea the suffering I see in the world. You’ve never seen firsthand the atrocities that evil commits. The other day, I saw a man walking across the street when the red hand was flashing. I’ve seen children taking an extra sip from communion wine.

The world is falling apart all around me and I am the only one that can save it. I alone have the power to save the world from itself. To right all wrongs and make evil disappear for eternity. This is no easy task but if I don’t fight for good the world will be destroyed. I can’t sit idly by as people are dying, as children are forced to use drugs… as milk spoils in the fridge. I am Shirtless and I alone will protect those that can’t protect themselves.

THE MANY ADVENTURES OF SHIRTLESS!

Dear diary,

Today I crashed the shirtless mobile. A telephone pole sprang out of nowhere and ran into me. I suspect some force of evil was behind the plot to dissuade me from my quest for good. But don’t worry diary, I put it back together with duct tape so I should be good for another couple of weeks. I also managed to save a woman from wickedness while I was out. We ran into each other in the supermarket while I was out buying my daily six gallons of water and seven gallons of protein powder. You know breakfast is the most important meal of the day. When all of a sudden I noticed that she was going to eat one of the nuts the supermarket has on display. I rushed into action and promptly stopped her. She tried to explain she was checking the nuts to make sure they were fresh but I saw right through her lies. I sensed she was under the control of something exceptionally evil. I scolded her mercilessly in front of everyone present then relieved her of her belongings. Such evil doesn’t deserve a gold card. I gave her purse to the supermarket manager to repay them for the missing nut but the man gave it back to her. On second thought… they might have been in the plot together.

Tomorrow I will have to destroy the building to end their scheme.

I was depowered earlier diary. When I was attempting to save a man from killing himself at a fast food restaurant one of the evil henchmen at the establishment forced a shirt upon me. The pain I felt was like no other I’ve felt before. I was in such disillusion that I couldn’t save that poor soul from putting processed meat into his body. I failed diary. But I cannot dwell on things such as this. This experience has just furthered my resolve to wipe evil in all its forms from this earth.

I’m off now diary, to once again take up the fight against vile tyranny and make the world safe for the weak and incompetent. To make sure good triumphs over evil. To boldly go where no man has… scratch that last part. Until next time diary

XOXO

-Shirtless (Superhero)