The Unemployed Superhero

Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a while because I was recently fired as an Abercrombie and Fitch model and I've been a little depressed. To be honest the day started out quite well. I was driving on the freeway on my way to a photo shoot when I happened to spy a homeless man getting for change near the freeway exit. Being the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled the Shirtless Mobile over and beat the poor man senseless. His urine soaked clothes became mixed with blood and more urine. While I couldn't see any part of his face under all the dirt and unkempt hair, I know I left him very well bloodied and disfigured. With the knowledge of a job well done I was quickly on my way.

I was only a couple of blocks away from the studio when Cuffs called me on my cell phone, causing me to collide with the side of a building. She called to tell me to stop spilling my protein shakes on her new crime fighting computer. Honestly Diary, I don't know what I am going to do with her. On the one hand, she makes the best protein based liquids I have ever had; but on the other, she owns a computer, one of the most evil inventions since television.

So there I was Diary, the front half of the Shirtless Mobile was in a local deli and I still had to get to the photo shoot. I tightened up my Doc Martens and continued my journey on foot. Along the way I encountered a group of school hooligans loitering outside a liquor store. I glanced down at my watch and noticed that it was only 11:30; they should still be in school. When I approached them, the lead scoundrel- a small lad no older than fifteen with acne on his face and a red baseball cap turned to the left with his pants falling to the ground- looked at me and asked if I would buy them some beer. I exercised my civic duty and punished the delinquents with a stern talking to; and by stern talking I mean I pummeled them into submission.

I started my attack with a light Shirtless Shriek to disorientate the group, followed by a swift punch to the face of the leader of the gang. A gold tooth went flying out of his mouth as he fell to the ground. His cohorts tried to retaliate against me but I quickly dispatched the unruly bunch. One of the boys pulled a switchblade and tried to stab my perfectly formed abs but it may as well have been a comb covered in tin foil. I countered his attack by snapping his neck. The gang and I tussled a while longer until they realized that their efforts were fleeting and retreated in humiliation. Shamefully, they grabbed their fallen comrade's lifeless corpse and left to go back to school I suppose.

Already late to the photo shoot I rushed through the sin and crime rancid streets a crimson covered protector of the innocent. I hurried into the building and flew up the stairs (because elevators are for the weak) to where I was supposed to meet the photographer. As I burst into the studio, everyone swung around to see my entrance. The photographer almost dropped her camera at the sight of me covered in my enemy's blood, sweat and urine. Suddenly a scowl washed over her face. Her face turned red as she marched towards me. She got directly in my face as she yelled at me to leave her shoot and said that I was the most unprofessional man she has ever had the misfortune to work with. The she told me that I would never work in fashion modeling again and I made my leave.

I contemplated briefly destroying her and the building, but eventually decided against it as she wasn't worth my troubles. I left quietly and began my slow march back to the Shirtless Cave of Solitude. Along the way I picked up a Penny Saver and a copy of the newspaper to start my search for another job that wouldn't require me to wear a shirt.

Origins of a Hero

We find our hero walking alone on a dark and cold night. Ice sickles have formed on his nipples, but the fire in his heart keeps him going strong. As he moves through the night he reflects on what has brought him to this point. Why is he Shirtless? Why is he our savior?

From the time Shirtless was a small child he loathed wearing a shirt. It seemed that whenever his mom would make him wear chest garments he immediately became weak, sometimes to the point where he would faint or become violently ill. Shirtless’ priest believed he was possessed by an evil spirit at one point when Shirtless re-enacted the scene from Exorcist with the pea soup while trying to get out of his Sunday Mass dress shirt. There were many occasions when our hero was sent home from school for not wearing a shirt. After a period of time Shirtless’ mom just gave up on buying him shirts and accepted her son’s odd condition.

Our hero snaps back to reality in time to notice a couple fighting in the parking lot of a 7-11. Shirtless ran towards the arguing couple just as the man struck the woman. Angered, Shirtless ripped the man’s arm off and beat him over the head with it. As they stared over the dead body, the battered woman attempted to give Shirtless a kiss to show her gratitude. Shirtless looked over at her, called her impure and without hesitation broke her neck. With her lifeless body falling to the ground, Shirtless began to wonder why his sense of moral outrage and passion for justice was greater than everyone else’s.

He flashed back to when he was a young boy. Shirtless simply wasn’t able to ignore the evils that seemed to roll off the backs of other people… even his parents. Shirtless’ father tried countless times to get his son to relax and not accost the other children for being kids. It was then that Shirtless lost respect for his father and his lack of resolve. As the years went by, Shirtless noticed things growing increasingly foul in the world. Crime was on the rise, evil was prevailing against good, and people would continue to cross the street while the red hand was flashing. It was too much for our hero to take and he knew that the only one who could put a stop to the madness was him.

It was in high school that Shirtless tried to join a garage band.  He accidentally activated a new power which he would eventually name the Shirtless Shriek. He attempted to hit a high note that caused all four members of the band’s heads to explode and windows were shattered as far as a quarter mile away. From there it took several years to focus the Shirtless Shriek onto a single target and several more years to adjust the power so that it wasn’t always lethal.

All these incidents lead to the self realization of our time’s most influential hero. When all else fails, Shirtless will be there to pick up the pieces of a crumbling society. He is our ever vigilant savior who must protect us even from ourselves. With his utility belt of bottled water and protein powder, he is fueled up for any battle. His steel toed Army boots allow him the comfort and protection to trek onwards in even the worst conditions. A cape and Ray Ban’s help Shirtless look stylish and intimidating to those who would think to cause pain and suffering towards the innocent.  There is no question that Shirtless is the greatest thing that has ever fallen upon the face of our planet and his duties have only just begun.

The Year of the Shirtless

The New Year, for most it is a time to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in life with friends and family. It’s a time to reflect on the good times from the previous year and make resolutions for the next. For one brave individual there is no celebrating. The job is far from finished and there is much work that needs to be done. The resolution stays the same… destroy all that is evil.


As the light slowly faded into darkness, Shirtless was finishing his preparations for the long night ahead. With the Cool Guy truck filled with plenty of protein powder and bottled water, Shirtless just needed to wait for his new sidekick to arrive. Cuffs was a young woman Shirtless happened upon during his adventures in Florida and he agreed to allow her to tag along this evening. Unsure of her resolve, Shirtless knew he would need to keep an eye on her in case she turned out to be more trouble than she was worth.

The duo waited until twilight then set off to vanquish the evil that had spread across the land. They began their assault at the nearby dorms; Shirtless could always count on wicked behavior on campus. Just as Shirtless had suspected, the entire building was an orgy of under aged drinking and recreational drug use. Our hero dove into the crowed, leaving Cuffs to watch as Shirtless laid waste to his enemies. He grabbed a beer bottle and smashed it over the head of the school quarterback, knocking him unconscious. A nearby girl began to scream at the carnage. Shirtless believing this to be an attack on him turned to deliver a fatal blow with his Shirtless Shriek. All those that weren’t at the epicenter of the blast collapsed to the ground in writhing agony. Cuffs stood in awe of the grace with which our hero displayed as he delivered his assault. As the bodies fell to the ground, those that could began to flee. Shirtless looked over his victims and reached for a protein bar from his utility belt. Without saying a word Shirtless slowly left to continue the night as Cuffs followed close behind.

Later on in the evening Shirtless happened to run into Brad and his new gang leaving a frat party. Shirtless slammed on the breaks of the Cool Guy truck causing the vehicle behind him to swerve and crash into a lamp post. Faster than the blink of an eye, Shirtless was out of the truck and charging towards his ultimate foe. Brad rolled his eyes at the sight of a Shirtless man in a cape running at him. He ducked from the potentially fatal blow that Shirtless had swung. Not to be dissuaded Shirtless regained his composure and launched another volley of strikes at Brad. To our hero’s surprise, not one punch or kick had found its target. Brad had been taking martial arts classes as an elective this semester and learned how to avoid Shirtless’ attacks. Taking Shirtless by surprise Brad launched his own offensive on Shirtless. Brad laid one single punch in Shirtless’ finely crafted abs but forgot to block his counterstrike. Shirtless landed a direct blow to Brad’s rib cage. The criminal mastermind known as Brad fell easier than a house of cards. As his minion friends picked him up to take him to the hospital, Shirtless and Cuffs drove away into the night.

It was just before the stroke of midnight when Shirtless was taking a protein powder break. Out of the shadows suddenly rose Douche Man. “Hey, how are you guys doing?” The vile creature had grown even more annoying since their last encounter. “Isn’t it a great night tonight? You know, New Years used to be held on the first day of April before it was moved to January. When they moved the date there was still people who wanted to celebrate in April and that was how April Fool’s Day came to be.” Shirtless fell to his knees in agony over the useless trivial drivel. Recalling the sacrifice Shirtless needed to make the last time they faced off, our hero demanded Cuffs stay away while he performed the Shirtless Shriek. Summoning up all the energy he had inside, Shirtless let loose an ear shattering shriek of unspeakable proportions. As the dust began to settle our hero was shocked to see that Douche Man appeared to be unharmed by the attack. Not having the strength left to launch a more conventional attack Shirtless briefly contemplated retreat. No sooner had the thought crossed his mind had Shirtless dismissed that foolish notion. Our hero began to summon up the strength of the Shirtless heroes of old who watch over him in the Shirtless Halls of Righteousness. As he charged towards Douche Man, Cuffs appeared from behind without her belt of unbreakable handcuffs. She cuffed Douche Man’s hands behind his back and delivered a crippling headbut. Shirtless landed the finishing blow with a knee to the stomach and Douche Man keeled to the ground.

As the clock struck midnight Shirtless and Cuffs drove away with our hero’s spirits raised. “Maybe this year will be better than the last” Shirtless thought to himself. He glanced over at Cuffs and while he still didn’t know if she were really good or evil, he knew that at least for the moment he could use her.

Happy New Years

Prelude to a New Year

I do not know what the New Year will bring. The previous year was filled with unspeakable evil and I hold no high expectations for the next. I am however; ready to take on the journey with the same determination as always. I have a feeling that tonight’s going to be a rough night. But as usual, this is the time of year I need to double my efforts to fight back the forces of evil that will be let loose. I fear that the lengths I will need to go to stop the drunken debauchery that unfolds are still unknown.

After a quick stop in Fort Lauderdale Florida where I picked up some extra money, I’m able to restock on protein powder and bottled water. Cool Guy’s truck is filled to the brim with all of my supplies and I am ready to go. I’ve summoned the strength to move mountains and the resolve to vanquish any who would be so foolish as to stand in my way.

Come this evening, evil will have nowhere to hide…

The Most Wicked Time of the Year

Christmas time is my busy season. There is an excess of wickedness about and nobody seems willing to put an end to it. Everywhere I turn, there are overweight men dressed in red suits begging for handouts with their bells and buckets… it sickens me. The worst part is the ignorant masses that buy into these false charities.

I’ve made it one of my many missions to destroy each and every one of these so called “Saint Nicks” by any means necessary. At least they don’t put up much of a fight as I charge towards them and unleash my Shirtless Shriek on their fat asses. It warms my soul to see the crimson red pour from their ears to stain their white beards and already red suits. Sometimes it the little things that give you the strength to carry forward.

The other day I was patrolling near the mall when I saw a gang of Mall Santa’s narrowing in on a helpless old lady carrying several bags of goods to her car. Sensing that they were up to no good, I sprung into action punching the lead Santa in the face, knocking him to the ground. His lieutenants stood momentarily dumbfounded at the speed of my lightning attack. Out of the corner of my magnificent eye I saw a gloved fist flying towards me, I ducked from the attack and threw a punch of my own into the gut of my would be attacker. A fourth Santa who smelled excessively of rum lunged towards me in a drunken stupor. It didn’t take much effort to dispatch him.

As I fought against the henchmen I failed to notice the ring leader pull a knife from his boot and approach me from behind. He stabbed me in my leg which began to bleed protein powder and water and quickly froze over. I snapped his neck, effectively demoralizing all of the red-dressed evil doers. Two of them fled, while the rum soaked Clause attempted to remain. His drunkenness was his downfall as I quickly put an end to him with a Shirtless Shriek.

The old lady was cowering in fear behind a parked car, as I approached to inform her that the danger had passed she began to weep. She trembled in admiration of my selfless defense of the wicked. After a few moments she stood up and began screaming for the police to let them know of my wonderful deeds this day. As I am not one to brag, I quickly disappeared from the scene to further my campaign against the Solstice of Evil.

I dread these next few days when all sorts of blasphemous merriment arise and I must tackle the New Years of Hell.

The Death of a Hero

It depresses my soul to admit the fact that I was defeated. I cowered away like so many of my enemies had done in the past and I stand humiliated. Tales of my defeat ring out from the Shirtless Halls of Righteousness to the Great Shirtless Beyond. This failure will haunt me till the end of time and my punishment is to right what has been wronged.

This foe of mine cannot be conquered alone I fear. If I am to defeat this great monstrosity of evil I will need to abandon my pride and request assistance from an unlikely source.

I have to call my friend Cool Guy.

The Shirtless Mobile was still in the shop on the evening we agreed to go on patrol together. Cool Guy pulled up to the house about seven or eight in his pickup truck and we went to work filling the bed with as much protein powder and containers of water as we could. The F-150 was overflowing with powder and I thought to myself this should last me through the night.

We embarked on our journey that evening. I was overjoyed to find that Cool Guy had a working heater in his truck. I would not need to worry about losing any strength prior to our encounter with the evil one.

It was not long before we drove past Brad. He was loitering with a group of miscreants in front of a fast food establishment. I knew Brad and his henchmen were up to no good, but I was on a mission so I decided to leave him be this one time. We drove past several violent muggings, a four alarm fire, and a cat stuck in a tree before we finally found our target. I ushered Cool Guy to park his truck quickly so we could begin our battle. Cool Guy insisted we drive a little further because we were in a no parking zone. I didn’t have time to point out the evils of setting up a no parking zone after 9 pm so I leaped out of the vehicle while Cool Guy found better parking.

The cold night air hit my shirtless chest like a sledgehammer as I approached my enemy ready for the battle to begin.

“Die heathen!” I exclaimed as I gave the first blow. My enemy flew back and crashed into a dumpster but quickly rose seemingly unscathed.

“You know if you wait until the final moment before tightening your fist it makes for a stronger punch.” He began his attacks. “If you want I can bring you a book on proper fighting styles.”

I had already collapsed to the ground from the onslaught when Cool Guy came jogging around the corner and helped me back to my feet. “Oh, I know who this guy is” Cool Guy said in a nonchalant tone.

“You know my greatest enemy?!”

“Yeah, well I wouldn’t call him an enemy really as much as he’s just kind of annoying. I hear they call him a douche bag back where he comes from, so some of the heroes here have taken to calling him Douche Man.”

The pieces are starting to fall into place.

“Well… how do we defeat him then Cool Guy?”

“You know, I never really cared one way or the other about defeating him. He never really bothered me much anyway.”

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Cool Guy was going soft on me.

Without another word I launched another volley of attacks at Douche Man which had little effect on him. To my surprise, Cool Guy just kind of hung out talking to him without reacting to his idiosyncrasies. I think that had the biggest effect on Douche Man than anything I was doing.

It became apparent that Douche Man couldn’t handle the fact of someone not falling to pieces because of his annoyances. Cool Guy remained calm throughout the ordeal and continued to hang out, listening to Douche Man’s mind numbing drivel. The only time he reacted was when he nodded his head and agreed with whatever was being said. Douche Man fell to the ground and I took this as my moment of opportunity to end the confrontation. I gathered the every last ounce of strength I had and prepared the Shirtless Shriek.

“YEEEEEEEEEEEAAHHHHH!” I cried, “BAAAAAAAGGHHHH!”

I continued my onslaught until I saw in Douche Man’s face the same sense of defeat he’d caused me in our last encounter. His ears were bleeding as I saw my foe retreat into the darkness from whence he came.

But I soon realized my victory came at a heavy price. For lying on the ground I saw my comrade Cool Guy. His body lay lifeless in the parking lot, I rushed to his side to see if he was still breathing… NO!

I let out an anguished roar as I discovered that my friend had passed on. All of the windows in the area shattered and a few pedestrian’s heads blew up. I carried my fallen comrade’s body back to his vehicle and placed him gently in the passenger seat. Before getting in the truck, I refueled on protein powder and water. Several thoughts raced through my mind as I sat in the driver seat staring at Cool Guy’s lifeless body.

How am I going to explain this to his girlfriend? Is it too early to ask her out? Does he blame me for his death? Would he mind if I kept his truck?

I turned the heater up full blast as I drove into the night mourning a fallen hero.

The Enemy of My Enemy is Not My Friend

I was out on patrol last night when suddenly, for reasons unknown, I lost control of the Shirtless Mobile and collided with a parked car. Sensing that the owner was filled with evil I felt as though justice was served and sped away. Unfortunately I didn’t get far, for I had destroyed my radiator and my vehicle sputtered to a halt.

The weather was beginning to rapidly change and I knew that my shirtless powers would begin to wane the longer I was exposed to the cooling environment. This meant that I needed to finish my patrols with greater haste to remain efficient. As I ran down the street, I couldn’t help but feel this sense of urgency growing in the back of my mind. Was it my shirtless powers warning me that I was growing weaker? Feeling that this was the cause, I replenished myself on protein and water to strengthen my resolve and carried on. But the feeling continued to linger in the back of my mind.

As the night carried on I became aware of the danger my mind was trying to warn me of. Brad, my arch nemesis was attempting to rob a local Bank of America ATM by using a stolen card. I noticed the name on the card was Brad F. Hemmingway, a clear cut case of identity theft and grand larceny. As I attempted to spring into action and take this criminal mastermind down for good, my knees began to fail me. My powers began to weaken from the exposure to the elements. Before I could pull some reserve protein powder from my belt another figure approached the villainess swine. At first I believed it was an accomplice, but the way Brad reacted towards this mysterious figure showed me that they were not cohorts. Brad became noticeably aggravated; his eyes began to turn red as he raised his clinched fists in a silent rage.

The unknown figure didn’t appear dissuaded by Brad’s threatening motions however, and continued his assault. The figure just kept smiling and speaking in a deafening tone towards Brad. Moving closer and staring at him with a glazed look in his eyes. Brad’s attempts to stop the unwanted advancements were in vain. As Brad soon discovered, this was not a battle he could win. He quickly swiped the money along with his stolen ATM card before fleeing the scene.

Feeling as though I had found a kindred champion of justice, I moved in to introduce myself to the mysterious ally. I began to inquire as to why he had allowed the criminal to escape when he was clearly winning. It was not long before I realized this was no ally. With no warning, he had turned his attacks towards me. His heinous attacks consisted of, asking me questions with no intelligent thought that had no logical explanation. “Excuse me but, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” “It’s really cold out tonight; don’t you think it would be best that you put multiple layers of clothing on?”

It was almost too much for me to handle.

In my weakened condition I could not last long against his barrage of deadly annoyance. To shut him up, I attempted to use my shirtless shriek to disable the fiend. To my horror it appeared that either he was immune to my attacks or I was too weak to have any effect. As his mind numbingly asinine questions continued to wear on my last nerve, I had a choice to make. Would I stay and fight a battle I could possibly lose? Or would I retreat in order to fight another day? It was with great dread that I made my decision. If I were to continue my quest to stamp out evil, I needed to regain my strength. It is with no pride that I admit my first failure against the forces of evil. This was an evil I was not familiar with, an evil I was not prepared for.

Be warned however foul villain of mystery. The next time we meet, I will have my vengeance upon you.

…to be continued