The New Year, for most it is a time to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in life with friends and family. It’s a time to reflect on the good times from the previous year and make resolutions for the next. For one brave individual there is no celebrating. The job is far from finished and there is much work that needs to be done. The resolution stays the same… destroy all that is evil.
As the light slowly faded into darkness, Shirtless was finishing his preparations for the long night ahead. With the Cool Guy truck filled with plenty of protein powder and bottled water, Shirtless just needed to wait for his new sidekick to arrive. Cuffs was a young woman Shirtless happened upon during his adventures in Florida and he agreed to allow her to tag along this evening. Unsure of her resolve, Shirtless knew he would need to keep an eye on her in case she turned out to be more trouble than she was worth.
The duo waited until twilight then set off to vanquish the evil that had spread across the land. They began their assault at the nearby dorms; Shirtless could always count on wicked behavior on campus. Just as Shirtless had suspected, the entire building was an orgy of under aged drinking and recreational drug use. Our hero dove into the crowed, leaving Cuffs to watch as Shirtless laid waste to his enemies. He grabbed a beer bottle and smashed it over the head of the school quarterback, knocking him unconscious. A nearby girl began to scream at the carnage. Shirtless believing this to be an attack on him turned to deliver a fatal blow with his Shirtless Shriek. All those that weren’t at the epicenter of the blast collapsed to the ground in writhing agony. Cuffs stood in awe of the grace with which our hero displayed as he delivered his assault. As the bodies fell to the ground, those that could began to flee. Shirtless looked over his victims and reached for a protein bar from his utility belt. Without saying a word Shirtless slowly left to continue the night as Cuffs followed close behind.
Later on in the evening Shirtless happened to run into Brad and his new gang leaving a frat party. Shirtless slammed on the breaks of the Cool Guy truck causing the vehicle behind him to swerve and crash into a lamp post. Faster than the blink of an eye, Shirtless was out of the truck and charging towards his ultimate foe. Brad rolled his eyes at the sight of a Shirtless man in a cape running at him. He ducked from the potentially fatal blow that Shirtless had swung. Not to be dissuaded Shirtless regained his composure and launched another volley of strikes at Brad. To our hero’s surprise, not one punch or kick had found its target. Brad had been taking martial arts classes as an elective this semester and learned how to avoid Shirtless’ attacks. Taking Shirtless by surprise Brad launched his own offensive on Shirtless. Brad laid one single punch in Shirtless’ finely crafted abs but forgot to block his counterstrike. Shirtless landed a direct blow to Brad’s rib cage. The criminal mastermind known as Brad fell easier than a house of cards. As his minion friends picked him up to take him to the hospital, Shirtless and Cuffs drove away into the night.
It was just before the stroke of midnight when Shirtless was taking a protein powder break. Out of the shadows suddenly rose Douche Man. “Hey, how are you guys doing?” The vile creature had grown even more annoying since their last encounter. “Isn’t it a great night tonight? You know, New Years used to be held on the first day of April before it was moved to January. When they moved the date there was still people who wanted to celebrate in April and that was how April Fool’s Day came to be.” Shirtless fell to his knees in agony over the useless trivial drivel. Recalling the sacrifice Shirtless needed to make the last time they faced off, our hero demanded Cuffs stay away while he performed the Shirtless Shriek. Summoning up all the energy he had inside, Shirtless let loose an ear shattering shriek of unspeakable proportions. As the dust began to settle our hero was shocked to see that Douche Man appeared to be unharmed by the attack. Not having the strength left to launch a more conventional attack Shirtless briefly contemplated retreat. No sooner had the thought crossed his mind had Shirtless dismissed that foolish notion. Our hero began to summon up the strength of the Shirtless heroes of old who watch over him in the Shirtless Halls of Righteousness. As he charged towards Douche Man, Cuffs appeared from behind without her belt of unbreakable handcuffs. She cuffed Douche Man’s hands behind his back and delivered a crippling headbut. Shirtless landed the finishing blow with a knee to the stomach and Douche Man keeled to the ground.
As the clock struck midnight Shirtless and Cuffs drove away with our hero’s spirits raised. “Maybe this year will be better than the last” Shirtless thought to himself. He glanced over at Cuffs and while he still didn’t know if she were really good or evil, he knew that at least for the moment he could use her.
Happy New Years
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