The Unemployed Superhero

Dear Diary,

I haven't written you in a while because I was recently fired as an Abercrombie and Fitch model and I've been a little depressed. To be honest the day started out quite well. I was driving on the freeway on my way to a photo shoot when I happened to spy a homeless man getting for change near the freeway exit. Being the Good Samaritan that I am, I pulled the Shirtless Mobile over and beat the poor man senseless. His urine soaked clothes became mixed with blood and more urine. While I couldn't see any part of his face under all the dirt and unkempt hair, I know I left him very well bloodied and disfigured. With the knowledge of a job well done I was quickly on my way.

I was only a couple of blocks away from the studio when Cuffs called me on my cell phone, causing me to collide with the side of a building. She called to tell me to stop spilling my protein shakes on her new crime fighting computer. Honestly Diary, I don't know what I am going to do with her. On the one hand, she makes the best protein based liquids I have ever had; but on the other, she owns a computer, one of the most evil inventions since television.

So there I was Diary, the front half of the Shirtless Mobile was in a local deli and I still had to get to the photo shoot. I tightened up my Doc Martens and continued my journey on foot. Along the way I encountered a group of school hooligans loitering outside a liquor store. I glanced down at my watch and noticed that it was only 11:30; they should still be in school. When I approached them, the lead scoundrel- a small lad no older than fifteen with acne on his face and a red baseball cap turned to the left with his pants falling to the ground- looked at me and asked if I would buy them some beer. I exercised my civic duty and punished the delinquents with a stern talking to; and by stern talking I mean I pummeled them into submission.

I started my attack with a light Shirtless Shriek to disorientate the group, followed by a swift punch to the face of the leader of the gang. A gold tooth went flying out of his mouth as he fell to the ground. His cohorts tried to retaliate against me but I quickly dispatched the unruly bunch. One of the boys pulled a switchblade and tried to stab my perfectly formed abs but it may as well have been a comb covered in tin foil. I countered his attack by snapping his neck. The gang and I tussled a while longer until they realized that their efforts were fleeting and retreated in humiliation. Shamefully, they grabbed their fallen comrade's lifeless corpse and left to go back to school I suppose.

Already late to the photo shoot I rushed through the sin and crime rancid streets a crimson covered protector of the innocent. I hurried into the building and flew up the stairs (because elevators are for the weak) to where I was supposed to meet the photographer. As I burst into the studio, everyone swung around to see my entrance. The photographer almost dropped her camera at the sight of me covered in my enemy's blood, sweat and urine. Suddenly a scowl washed over her face. Her face turned red as she marched towards me. She got directly in my face as she yelled at me to leave her shoot and said that I was the most unprofessional man she has ever had the misfortune to work with. The she told me that I would never work in fashion modeling again and I made my leave.

I contemplated briefly destroying her and the building, but eventually decided against it as she wasn't worth my troubles. I left quietly and began my slow march back to the Shirtless Cave of Solitude. Along the way I picked up a Penny Saver and a copy of the newspaper to start my search for another job that wouldn't require me to wear a shirt.

Origins of a Hero

We find our hero walking alone on a dark and cold night. Ice sickles have formed on his nipples, but the fire in his heart keeps him going strong. As he moves through the night he reflects on what has brought him to this point. Why is he Shirtless? Why is he our savior?

From the time Shirtless was a small child he loathed wearing a shirt. It seemed that whenever his mom would make him wear chest garments he immediately became weak, sometimes to the point where he would faint or become violently ill. Shirtless’ priest believed he was possessed by an evil spirit at one point when Shirtless re-enacted the scene from Exorcist with the pea soup while trying to get out of his Sunday Mass dress shirt. There were many occasions when our hero was sent home from school for not wearing a shirt. After a period of time Shirtless’ mom just gave up on buying him shirts and accepted her son’s odd condition.

Our hero snaps back to reality in time to notice a couple fighting in the parking lot of a 7-11. Shirtless ran towards the arguing couple just as the man struck the woman. Angered, Shirtless ripped the man’s arm off and beat him over the head with it. As they stared over the dead body, the battered woman attempted to give Shirtless a kiss to show her gratitude. Shirtless looked over at her, called her impure and without hesitation broke her neck. With her lifeless body falling to the ground, Shirtless began to wonder why his sense of moral outrage and passion for justice was greater than everyone else’s.

He flashed back to when he was a young boy. Shirtless simply wasn’t able to ignore the evils that seemed to roll off the backs of other people… even his parents. Shirtless’ father tried countless times to get his son to relax and not accost the other children for being kids. It was then that Shirtless lost respect for his father and his lack of resolve. As the years went by, Shirtless noticed things growing increasingly foul in the world. Crime was on the rise, evil was prevailing against good, and people would continue to cross the street while the red hand was flashing. It was too much for our hero to take and he knew that the only one who could put a stop to the madness was him.

It was in high school that Shirtless tried to join a garage band.  He accidentally activated a new power which he would eventually name the Shirtless Shriek. He attempted to hit a high note that caused all four members of the band’s heads to explode and windows were shattered as far as a quarter mile away. From there it took several years to focus the Shirtless Shriek onto a single target and several more years to adjust the power so that it wasn’t always lethal.

All these incidents lead to the self realization of our time’s most influential hero. When all else fails, Shirtless will be there to pick up the pieces of a crumbling society. He is our ever vigilant savior who must protect us even from ourselves. With his utility belt of bottled water and protein powder, he is fueled up for any battle. His steel toed Army boots allow him the comfort and protection to trek onwards in even the worst conditions. A cape and Ray Ban’s help Shirtless look stylish and intimidating to those who would think to cause pain and suffering towards the innocent.  There is no question that Shirtless is the greatest thing that has ever fallen upon the face of our planet and his duties have only just begun.

The Year of the Shirtless

The New Year, for most it is a time to celebrate the beginning of a new chapter in life with friends and family. It’s a time to reflect on the good times from the previous year and make resolutions for the next. For one brave individual there is no celebrating. The job is far from finished and there is much work that needs to be done. The resolution stays the same… destroy all that is evil.


As the light slowly faded into darkness, Shirtless was finishing his preparations for the long night ahead. With the Cool Guy truck filled with plenty of protein powder and bottled water, Shirtless just needed to wait for his new sidekick to arrive. Cuffs was a young woman Shirtless happened upon during his adventures in Florida and he agreed to allow her to tag along this evening. Unsure of her resolve, Shirtless knew he would need to keep an eye on her in case she turned out to be more trouble than she was worth.

The duo waited until twilight then set off to vanquish the evil that had spread across the land. They began their assault at the nearby dorms; Shirtless could always count on wicked behavior on campus. Just as Shirtless had suspected, the entire building was an orgy of under aged drinking and recreational drug use. Our hero dove into the crowed, leaving Cuffs to watch as Shirtless laid waste to his enemies. He grabbed a beer bottle and smashed it over the head of the school quarterback, knocking him unconscious. A nearby girl began to scream at the carnage. Shirtless believing this to be an attack on him turned to deliver a fatal blow with his Shirtless Shriek. All those that weren’t at the epicenter of the blast collapsed to the ground in writhing agony. Cuffs stood in awe of the grace with which our hero displayed as he delivered his assault. As the bodies fell to the ground, those that could began to flee. Shirtless looked over his victims and reached for a protein bar from his utility belt. Without saying a word Shirtless slowly left to continue the night as Cuffs followed close behind.

Later on in the evening Shirtless happened to run into Brad and his new gang leaving a frat party. Shirtless slammed on the breaks of the Cool Guy truck causing the vehicle behind him to swerve and crash into a lamp post. Faster than the blink of an eye, Shirtless was out of the truck and charging towards his ultimate foe. Brad rolled his eyes at the sight of a Shirtless man in a cape running at him. He ducked from the potentially fatal blow that Shirtless had swung. Not to be dissuaded Shirtless regained his composure and launched another volley of strikes at Brad. To our hero’s surprise, not one punch or kick had found its target. Brad had been taking martial arts classes as an elective this semester and learned how to avoid Shirtless’ attacks. Taking Shirtless by surprise Brad launched his own offensive on Shirtless. Brad laid one single punch in Shirtless’ finely crafted abs but forgot to block his counterstrike. Shirtless landed a direct blow to Brad’s rib cage. The criminal mastermind known as Brad fell easier than a house of cards. As his minion friends picked him up to take him to the hospital, Shirtless and Cuffs drove away into the night.

It was just before the stroke of midnight when Shirtless was taking a protein powder break. Out of the shadows suddenly rose Douche Man. “Hey, how are you guys doing?” The vile creature had grown even more annoying since their last encounter. “Isn’t it a great night tonight? You know, New Years used to be held on the first day of April before it was moved to January. When they moved the date there was still people who wanted to celebrate in April and that was how April Fool’s Day came to be.” Shirtless fell to his knees in agony over the useless trivial drivel. Recalling the sacrifice Shirtless needed to make the last time they faced off, our hero demanded Cuffs stay away while he performed the Shirtless Shriek. Summoning up all the energy he had inside, Shirtless let loose an ear shattering shriek of unspeakable proportions. As the dust began to settle our hero was shocked to see that Douche Man appeared to be unharmed by the attack. Not having the strength left to launch a more conventional attack Shirtless briefly contemplated retreat. No sooner had the thought crossed his mind had Shirtless dismissed that foolish notion. Our hero began to summon up the strength of the Shirtless heroes of old who watch over him in the Shirtless Halls of Righteousness. As he charged towards Douche Man, Cuffs appeared from behind without her belt of unbreakable handcuffs. She cuffed Douche Man’s hands behind his back and delivered a crippling headbut. Shirtless landed the finishing blow with a knee to the stomach and Douche Man keeled to the ground.

As the clock struck midnight Shirtless and Cuffs drove away with our hero’s spirits raised. “Maybe this year will be better than the last” Shirtless thought to himself. He glanced over at Cuffs and while he still didn’t know if she were really good or evil, he knew that at least for the moment he could use her.

Happy New Years