Origins of a Hero

We find our hero walking alone on a dark and cold night. Ice sickles have formed on his nipples, but the fire in his heart keeps him going strong. As he moves through the night he reflects on what has brought him to this point. Why is he Shirtless? Why is he our savior?

From the time Shirtless was a small child he loathed wearing a shirt. It seemed that whenever his mom would make him wear chest garments he immediately became weak, sometimes to the point where he would faint or become violently ill. Shirtless’ priest believed he was possessed by an evil spirit at one point when Shirtless re-enacted the scene from Exorcist with the pea soup while trying to get out of his Sunday Mass dress shirt. There were many occasions when our hero was sent home from school for not wearing a shirt. After a period of time Shirtless’ mom just gave up on buying him shirts and accepted her son’s odd condition.

Our hero snaps back to reality in time to notice a couple fighting in the parking lot of a 7-11. Shirtless ran towards the arguing couple just as the man struck the woman. Angered, Shirtless ripped the man’s arm off and beat him over the head with it. As they stared over the dead body, the battered woman attempted to give Shirtless a kiss to show her gratitude. Shirtless looked over at her, called her impure and without hesitation broke her neck. With her lifeless body falling to the ground, Shirtless began to wonder why his sense of moral outrage and passion for justice was greater than everyone else’s.

He flashed back to when he was a young boy. Shirtless simply wasn’t able to ignore the evils that seemed to roll off the backs of other people… even his parents. Shirtless’ father tried countless times to get his son to relax and not accost the other children for being kids. It was then that Shirtless lost respect for his father and his lack of resolve. As the years went by, Shirtless noticed things growing increasingly foul in the world. Crime was on the rise, evil was prevailing against good, and people would continue to cross the street while the red hand was flashing. It was too much for our hero to take and he knew that the only one who could put a stop to the madness was him.

It was in high school that Shirtless tried to join a garage band.  He accidentally activated a new power which he would eventually name the Shirtless Shriek. He attempted to hit a high note that caused all four members of the band’s heads to explode and windows were shattered as far as a quarter mile away. From there it took several years to focus the Shirtless Shriek onto a single target and several more years to adjust the power so that it wasn’t always lethal.

All these incidents lead to the self realization of our time’s most influential hero. When all else fails, Shirtless will be there to pick up the pieces of a crumbling society. He is our ever vigilant savior who must protect us even from ourselves. With his utility belt of bottled water and protein powder, he is fueled up for any battle. His steel toed Army boots allow him the comfort and protection to trek onwards in even the worst conditions. A cape and Ray Ban’s help Shirtless look stylish and intimidating to those who would think to cause pain and suffering towards the innocent.  There is no question that Shirtless is the greatest thing that has ever fallen upon the face of our planet and his duties have only just begun.