I was out on patrol last night when suddenly, for reasons unknown, I lost control of the Shirtless Mobile and collided with a parked car. Sensing that the owner was filled with evil I felt as though justice was served and sped away. Unfortunately I didn’t get far, for I had destroyed my radiator and my vehicle sputtered to a halt.
The weather was beginning to rapidly change and I knew that my shirtless powers would begin to wane the longer I was exposed to the cooling environment. This meant that I needed to finish my patrols with greater haste to remain efficient. As I ran down the street, I couldn’t help but feel this sense of urgency growing in the back of my mind. Was it my shirtless powers warning me that I was growing weaker? Feeling that this was the cause, I replenished myself on protein and water to strengthen my resolve and carried on. But the feeling continued to linger in the back of my mind.
As the night carried on I became aware of the danger my mind was trying to warn me of. Brad, my arch nemesis was attempting to rob a local Bank of America ATM by using a stolen card. I noticed the name on the card was Brad F. Hemmingway, a clear cut case of identity theft and grand larceny. As I attempted to spring into action and take this criminal mastermind down for good, my knees began to fail me. My powers began to weaken from the exposure to the elements. Before I could pull some reserve protein powder from my belt another figure approached the villainess swine. At first I believed it was an accomplice, but the way Brad reacted towards this mysterious figure showed me that they were not cohorts. Brad became noticeably aggravated; his eyes began to turn red as he raised his clinched fists in a silent rage.
The unknown figure didn’t appear dissuaded by Brad’s threatening motions however, and continued his assault. The figure just kept smiling and speaking in a deafening tone towards Brad. Moving closer and staring at him with a glazed look in his eyes. Brad’s attempts to stop the unwanted advancements were in vain. As Brad soon discovered, this was not a battle he could win. He quickly swiped the money along with his stolen ATM card before fleeing the scene.
Feeling as though I had found a kindred champion of justice, I moved in to introduce myself to the mysterious ally. I began to inquire as to why he had allowed the criminal to escape when he was clearly winning. It was not long before I realized this was no ally. With no warning, he had turned his attacks towards me. His heinous attacks consisted of, asking me questions with no intelligent thought that had no logical explanation. “Excuse me but, why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” “It’s really cold out tonight; don’t you think it would be best that you put multiple layers of clothing on?”
It was almost too much for me to handle.
In my weakened condition I could not last long against his barrage of deadly annoyance. To shut him up, I attempted to use my shirtless shriek to disable the fiend. To my horror it appeared that either he was immune to my attacks or I was too weak to have any effect. As his mind numbingly asinine questions continued to wear on my last nerve, I had a choice to make. Would I stay and fight a battle I could possibly lose? Or would I retreat in order to fight another day? It was with great dread that I made my decision. If I were to continue my quest to stamp out evil, I needed to regain my strength. It is with no pride that I admit my first failure against the forces of evil. This was an evil I was not familiar with, an evil I was not prepared for.
Be warned however foul villain of mystery. The next time we meet, I will have my vengeance upon you.
…to be continued
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